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Die On My Dick Tonight transcription
Transcription of the pitch for 'Die On My Dick Tonight" starring Willem Dafoe. From Episode 258: 'Dr. Dickman's Cursed Penis.' Cast members present for the pitch: Jim Sterling, Jonathan Holmes, Conrad Zimmerman Transcription JIM: ...but I do have a Willem Dafoe movie pitch. JONATHAN: Oh, yes! Please do that! JIM: Yeah. It's, um, it's only a little one. It's something me and Alex were talking about the other day. It's called 'Die On My Dick Tonight.' JONATHAN: *laughter* JIM: Willem Dafoe stars as a guru, a lifestyle coach, a teacher of men... : WILLEM DAFOE: "I'M A GURU AND A LIFESTYLE COACH AND A TEACHER OF MEN. I BRING HAPPINESS INTO EVERYBODY'S LIVES. I'M DR. DICK... MAN. DR. DICKMAN. M.D." ...and he has a very successful practice. He, um, teaches a lot of new-age therapy. Um, particularly deals with like, terminally ill people, helps them move on with their lives. Um, the depressed, the suicidal. And he, uh, has therapy with them. You know one, um, of his patients is a character called Dave Boreanaz, played by Matt Borealis, um... or was that the other way around? I don't know. JONATHAN: Wow. Yeah, I really got... That mystified me. So... JIM: It's just confusing now, isn't it? Um... JONATHAN: Mm. It's interesting, though. JIM: So, let's just say a man who looks a lot like Angel from the hit TV series 'Angel'. Um, he's sad about his life, because he's, um, he thinks he's a vampire. Uh... He's not. But he, you know, he wants to know... he's got very bad depression and he is dying of pineapples. JONATHAN: *laughter* What? JIM: Just pineapples growing inside him. He's just like, : A MAN WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE ANGEL FROM THE HIT TV SERIES 'ANGEL': "Uh... Doctor, pineapples are innit." ...and it's like, : WILLEM DAFOE: "OH GOD. THIS IS THE WORST CASE OF PINEAPPLES I EVER SEEN." Um, it's the far future of 2013. And, uh, lots of mutant illnesses happened. JONATHAN: Wait, wha...? It is 2013. JIM: Pineapples is one of these far future diseases where like, little pineapples grow inside your body and then they get bigger and bigger and bigger and scr... like, cut your heart with their sharp spines on their epidermis. JONATHAN: Ooh. That does sound like a terrible disease. JIM: Awful disease. And, and Matt Borealis has it and he is sad and thinks there's no future 'cause he (A) thinks he's a vampire (B) is depressed and © pineapples. Um... And he's been working with Dr. Dickman for a long time. Just sort of—he's been helping him accept fate, understand that, you know, he's not long for this earth. He's seen a lot of pain, he's not happy, and after a long time this is what Dr. Dickman does. Like once, once he's reached the level of understanding and trust, um, and he's not sure he can help them anymore, 'cause some people just can't accept and deal with... with the issues they have in life. He sits down with... with Matt Borealis and he's, like, : WILLEM DAFOE: "HEY. MATT BOREALIS, STAR OF TV'S 'ANGEL.' DO YOU WANNA DIE ON MY DICK TONIGHT?" JONATHAN: *laughter* That's not... No!! Noooo... You don't say that. To your guy you... Dr. Dickman... JIM: There's a reason. There's a reason for it. JONATHAN: Okay. JIM: : WILLEM DAFOE: "'CAUSE WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY I WAS CURSED. I WAS CURSED BY A VILLAGE SHAMAN FROM THE JUNGLES OF OOOOBUBUBOOO. JONATHAN: *laughter* Th-That's not a... That's not a... Okay. So you're a patient. JIM: *laughter* JONATHAN: You're dying of... Okay, of pineapples, but you're dying of something. JIM: Yeah. JONATHAN: And your doctor... JIM: Yeah. JONATHAN: ...asks if you wanna die on his dick tonight. You leave. JIM: *laughter* JONATHAN: But he—maybe he could stop you and be like "No, no, no. No, seriously. Hear me out. It's not how it sounds," and then he just starts talking about his childhood? And you're supposed to be like, "Oh, well in that case, sure. Shaman?" I mean come o—... Alright, I'm... I didn't mean to interrupt. JIM: Suspend your disbelief. JONATHAN: I am trying to. I will do it. JIM: *laughter* You know, this is a world where pineapples scratch your heart. JONATHAN: *laughter* That—Well that convinced me. Anything's possible when it comes to medical illnesses. They're coming up with new like, just white ooze will come out of the sewer and eat you. I don't know if you've heard about that. JIM: No. JONATHAN: 'The Stuff' is real now. Yeah. JIM: Well there you go! You know, this is the year 2013 where white ooze eats people and you get pineapples in your lungs. Anyway. *clears throat* JONATHAN: Mm. The Shaman. JIM: : WILLEM DAFOE: "SO, I WAS CURSED BY A SHAMAN. BECAUSE I STOLE ALL OF HIS POGS. AND I SOLD THEM TO EBAY. JIM & JONATHAN: *laughter* JONATHAN: You want... There's still no reason to die on a man's dick that night. JIM: No, no. 'Cause this is... : WILLEM DAFOE: "LISTEN, MATT BOREALIS. I SEE YOU'RE TRYIN' TO SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF. SO ALLOW ME TO SUS... TO... I... I'LL BEND YOUR BELIEF. THE CURSE SAYS THAT ANYBODY WHO I HAVE SEX WITH WILL DIE MID-COITIS, BUT IN A VERY PEACEFUL WAY. IT'S QUITE GOOD FOR THEM. IT'S ANNOYING FOR ME. AND I THOUGHT 'WHY NOT TURN THIS CURSE INTO A BLESSING AND USE MY DEADLY DICK TO HEAL THE WORLD?' HEALIN' THE WORLD WITH MY DEADLY DICK. YOU UP FOR A TERMINAL DICKIN' OR WHAT?" And Matt Borealis is like, : DAVID BOREANAZ/MATT BOREALIS: "Well, I find this hard to believe. Urhh gohddd. But, I'll tell ya what doc, I'm willing to try anything." ...and he pulls down his... JONATHAN: *laughing* Ju—Wait, no!! No!! Try it, uh...? Uh... It... Uh... He... He's got very little time left... JIM: He takes off his pants. JONATHAN: ...and the one thing he knows will kill him is Dr. DIckman's, uh, cursed penis! Why... JIM: Well, it's basically euthanasia. JONATHAN: 'I'll try anything. Kill me with your magical evil dick...' JIM: *laughter* JONATHAN: '...sir.' No! That's not the... Okay. I'm sorry. I'm SORRY. JIM: It's... *laughter* It's not... No, no. I appreciate the feedback. You help me structure it as I go. Um... So any way. You know this guy, like... Borealis has tried everything, there's no cure, he's in pain, he is sad and thinks he's a vampire. He wants to die and Dickman, you know, in his state euthanasia is legal and he offers the... the best way to die. JONATHAN: Not the... the chemicals that calmly and e... even like, relaxing... JIM: No. JONATHAN: ...sooth you. JIM: That's the thing. Euthanasia is legal but the oppressive government took away all drugs that are used in euthanasia. JONATHAN: Took them away? JIM: Yeah. JONATHAN: To the t-to the shack? To the warehouse? JIM: Locked them in the shed, yeah. JONATHAN: That's a very valuable shed. I'm sure that people are trying to break in a lot. JIM: The shed orbits the Earth. JONATHAN: *laughter* JIM: So you can't get to it, even with a big ladder. They've tried! There's a scene where Brendan Fraser is like, : BRENDAN FRASER: "Well, I'm gonna go up there and get it!" And he gets a step-ladder, and climbs up about five feet in the air, and says : BRENDAN FRASER: "Well, that's not high enough!" JONATHAN: *laughter* JIM: : BRENDAN FRASER: "Get some bricks! Get some bricks, and I'll climb up this ladder, yeahh?" JONATHAN: I'm picturing him falling off the ladder, and a pineapple, like, pressing against the inside of his chest, and you see it's spikey, and "Oaaaagh!" JIM: Yeah. JONATHAN: "Oh god! Pineapples..." JIM: He... he's, like, got a... Like, almost, like a, like, uh, that scene in 'Aliens,' where the chestburster comes out of Ripley and stretches her skin, just a big pineapple-shaped wad of flesh comes out of Brendan Fraser's open-shirted chest, and he go- he clutches and goes "AAAAGGHH!" ''And then sees the shed, orbiting over head, and just shakes his fist, and says : BRENDAN FRASER: "Damn you, euthanasia shed! I'll get you yet!" And then it goes back to, um, Dick... Dickman and, and Matt Borealis, and he's like, : WILLEM DAFOE: "WELL, YOU KNOW, EUTHANASIA'S LEGAL, BUT THE EVIL GOVERNMENT IN ITS IRONIC WAYS SAYS I CAN'T KILL YOU WITH ANY DRUGS. BUT THERE'S NO RULE AGAINST MY TERMINAL TICKLER. SO GET YOUR PANTS OFF AND LET'S DO THIS!" And, um, Matt Borealis takes his pants off, and, and, uh, he's shy and he's naked, totally naked... and, um, Willem Dafoe is naked, totally naked, and lies on his back, and, uh, he's got big penis... and Angel, TV's Angel, squats over him and, and lowers, while it just goes *''singing to the melody of 'I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight'* ''"''Aahh... I just died on your dick tonight..." JONATHAN: Is that the music or is that Angel singing? JIM: *singing* "I should've been giving you head. I just died on your dick tonight..." And, um... Yeah, let's have Matt Borealis sing it! He's, uh, you know, sweaty, just, like, too sweaty for some reason, just like, dripping wet, he's only been on a dick for, like, three seconds and he's just sweating and he's pouring off of him, and he's got his hands behind his head, and his eyes are closed, and his, his head is just rocking backwards and forwards, and just "Aahh, I just died on your dick toni—" JONATHAN: He's dying! This is the end of his life. This is that time when he look back and think "Ah, I should've done this, and I'm so happy this happened, and ohh, love, oh... child, birth, ohh, got through college—" No! He's got his head, uh, rocking back and forth, I assume, eyes closed... JIM: Yeah, lovin' it. JONATHAN: ...hands behind his head, just working himself to death... JIM: *laughter* JONATHAN: ...on a penis... that he—that was his doctor! This is a medical procedure... JIM: Yeah. JONATHAN: ...that he's just decided to, to sing through. *laughter* JIM: Yeah. : WILLEM DAFOE: "AH HA HA! MATT BOREALIS! YOU'RE SKEWERING YOURSELF SILLY ON MY TURGID DEATH STICK! HEY, MATT. WAAANNAA DIIIIEEE... ON MY DICK TONIGHT?" And Matt Borealis says, : MATT BOREALIS: "Yes, I do!" And then, just sort of peacefully, sort of... looks like he's falling asleep just sort of, *makes a bunch of gross sloshing noises* like that and just sloughs off. JONATHAN: And dies? JIM: Very peacefully, um, lands on the floor and curls into a fetal position, and turns green. JONATHAN: Whoa. JIM: And then it looks like all cracks are forming over his body, but it's not, 'cause the cracks separate and they're leaves, and he's just turned into a pile of leaves that just blow off on the wind and one, one leaf just sort of flies near Willem Dafoe and he catches it in his hand, just snatches it out the air, and just kisses the leaf *smooch* : WILLEM DAFOE: "GOODNIGHT, SWEET PRINCE." ...and lets the leaf fly away and joins the others, and then the leaves whirlwind around outside the office, and fly up into the sky, and you just hear Matt Borealis' ghostly voice just say, : MATT BOREALIS: "I'll see you in heaven now." JONATHAN: Whoa, wh... Whoa. I was sure there was going to be a twist ending where the penis was a cure, and that, you know, the... the... like the story of Job, I believe that's the one in the bible where Job's like, "Well, I guess I'll be tortured by God and this will be terrible," and then God's like "Oh, you really do love me. You don't love me just for the treats that I give you. You... You love me for me. Well then, you're going to be fine." Uh... That doesn't happen to... to Matt Borealis. JIM: No. JONATHAN: He really dies and turns into leaves. JIM: It doesn't happen to, um... Mm... Doesn't happen to the next five characters that this happens to, either. JONATHAN: *laughter* That's not the end of the movie. JIM: Different ones come in. Um... You know, Sandra Bullock is next. She comes in, you know. She's also ill. Um... Pineapples. Uh... JONATHAN: Again? JIM: : WILLEM DAFOE: "IT'S GOT—IT'S LIKE AN EPIDEMIC. EH... TELL YA WHAT. YOU WANNA DIE ON MY DICK? And she's all like, "Yes," and then *barely sings 'I Just Died On Your Dick Tonight'* and she falls down, and um, you know, the whole—more or less the same thing happens, but she sort of sloughs off and... and eyes closed, smile on her face, she's happy. She's gone peacefully. She's gone—She's gone the way all of us wanna go. She falls on the floor and turns white, and it looks like there's little cracks all over her but it's not, 'cause it just... her body just sort of falls down flat, 'cause it's a pile of... of marbles now, just glass marbles now, and they... they, um, they just roll off, and they roll under the door of the office, and just... there's one little marble left behind, and Willem Dafoe just snatches it out off the ground and just puts it in his mouth... JONATHAN: Oof. JIM: ...and swirls it around a bit, and then pulls it out, and there's a like a bridge of spit between his lower lip and the marble, he just pulls it "bleegheuugh" like that, and he just goes, : WILLEM DAFOE: "GOODNIGHT, SWEET PRINCE." ...and puts the marble on the floor, like that, and gives it a little tap on its head and it rolls away and you just hear Sandra Bullock, just saying, : SANDRA BULLOCK: "I'll see you in heaven now." ...and it goes away. JONATHAN: She was a prince? JIM: Yeah. Sweet prince. And she's in heaven now. And then, um, *clear throat* this happens constantly, all the time, and... and... and in between each scene you've got Brendan Fraser, um, with a bigger ladder trying to get up to the euthanasia shed to get the drugs so that people, um, around the world are free to die, uh, naturally and peacefully instead of pineapples, and this is obviously a big metaphor for America and its, uh, war on terror. JONATHAN: What? ''-further transcription needed-''